I love the undo button on the computer. It’s so easy to hit it and not only eradicate whatever mistakes have just been made but also to restore everything to exactly as it was before. It’s a shame that there isn’t a life undo button.

You have a one night stand…undo!
You get drunk…undo!
You lose your handbag…undo!
You scrape aother car…undo!
You get all your hair cut and hate it…undo!
The dog eats the sausages you put out for dinner…undo!
Your mother in law invites herself for Christmas…undo, and think of a far better excuse this time.

After a major row with your boyfriend you hit ‘undo’ and return to when he first arrives. This time you don’t mention that the way he drones on about football bores you to death.

Your teenager stays out way beyond their deadline after begging you to let them go to their friend’s party. Hit ‘undo.’ This time you won’t give in and let them go.

You fail your driving test. Hit ‘undo’ over and over again until you pass.

You go shopping while feeling depressed and overspend massively. Hit ‘undo’ but only if you don’t want to keep anything that you have bought home!

You blow your diet and eat a huge chunk of chocolate cake. Hitting ‘undo’ takes you back to before you ate it…but you are so hungry and it looks so yummy that you eat it all over again!

It’s not hard to tell when your children have had a rough day at school but it’s like treading on egg shells when you try to find out what the problem is and how help.

Me ‘Good Day?
Chloe ‘Okay,’ (sits down, face like thunder.)
Me ‘You don’t look as though it was okay.’
Chloe ‘Sigh.’
Me ‘I can’t help if you won’t tell me what the problem is. Do you fancy a cup of tea and some cake?’
Chloe ‘Okay. (Pause.) ‘That Jenny is such a show off.’
Me ‘Why what’s she done?’
Chloe ‘Toby has asked her out. She’s been going on about it all day. I told her to get lost in the end.’
Me ‘She’s a bit young to be going on a date. Will her parents let her?’
Chloe ‘Duh! They’re not going on a date. They’re just going out together.’
Me ( Realising its a kid thing and not daring to ask where.) ‘Oh. Well I expect you’ll make it up tomorrow.’
Chloe ‘Uh, I don’t think so.’
Me (Supportive, understanding motherly but cool expression) ‘This Toby, he’s not a boy you like is he?’
Chloe (Outraged) ‘Uuuuurgh no, he’s ugly!’
Me ‘Well that’s something.’
Chloe ‘No it’s not, she thinks she’s it because she’s the first to have a boyfriend and she is just going to go on and on about it for ages. And nobody will probably ever ask me out so I’ll be the last in my class and everyone will think I’m a minger.
Me ‘Chloe of course you’re not you are beautiful and….’
Chloe ‘Huh you would say that.’

The phone rings and I answer. It’s Jenny for Chloe. I cover the mouthpiece.

Me ‘It’s Jenny. I’ll tell her you’re busy, shall I?’
Chloe (Scowl of bewilderment) No! She’s my friend. (Takes phone.) Hi Jenny. That’s so cool. (Giggles and continues to chat happily)
Me (Hover of bewilderment exits to the kitchen)

Visiting a friend, I noticed a book entitled ‘How to Clean Just About Anything.’ “How depressed were you when you bought that?” I asked. Then I started thinking of titles for other utterly depressing reads.

Washing Lines through the Ages.

100 Best Bark Rubbings.

Care for Your Rat.

Step by Step Coal Mining.

A-Z of Knitting.

100 Uses for a Loofah.

Recipes for your Cat.

So You Want to be a Traffic Warden?

Make Friends with your Undertaker.

Amazing Ideas for Margarine Tubs.

Name your Hamster.

Do It Yourself Divorce.

Piles, the Inside Story.

Make the Most of your Teeth.

50 Ways to Clear That Blockage.

Face Your Fat.

The Illustrated Guide to Infectious Diseases

Tips for Toenails

The History of Teabags

A Doily for Every Occasion.

There is a huge chasm between what adults think a child understands and what they really do understand of the adult world.

When Timmy was younger he was asked a question in class, and answered ‘bloody shit.’ He was sent to the head teacher but on further investigation was not punished. This was because he had heard his teacher telling an older boy that ‘swearing showed that you could not think of anything better to say.’ Timmy had just been trying to let her know that he could not think of the answer to her question.

He has just been learning about the Diwali festival but his mind is still full of fireworks so he said;
‘We learned about Diwali. It’s a celebration of candles and how good it is that they can’t blow up the houses of parliament like gunpowder.’

Once he said that the chart God kept must be enormous to be able to plot the whereabouts and behaviour of all the people in the world. When I asked what chart he meant, he said ‘Our Father with chart in Heaven!’

Occasionally the confusion turns out to be quite apt, such as his announcement that Poppy Day helps us to commiserate those who died.

Smiley Happy Dancing Kids.

A boss was wondering why one of his best employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent query he phoned the employee at home and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ” Hello ? “

“Is your daddy home?” he asked. ” Yes ,” whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?”” No ‘ the child whispered

Surprised, the boss asked, “Is your Mummy there?”

” Yes , ” the child replied.

“May I talk with her?” ” No , “ the small voice whispered,

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?” ” Yes ,” whispered the child, ” a policeman “.

Wondering what the police were doing at his employee’s home, the boss said, “Let me speak to the policeman.”

” No, he’s busy “, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

” Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman ,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

” A helicopter “ answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now really concerned.

Again, whispering, the child answered, ” The police have just landed a helicopter .”

Alarmed, concerned and frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “

ME .” !!!