Being a single parent at Christmas means doing double work, double presents, double magic and atmosphere, mega food and (trying) to keep a Christmassy mood throughout the season. 

 This is despite little money, disapproving ex-inlaws, well meaning but useless nerd of a boyfriend, greedy fat lump of a dog, difficult teenager and tweenager (almost worse than the teenager) and hopeful idealistic child who were he in a film would spread joy and bonhomie but who actually irritates everyone with his Pollyanna attitude.

Just wrapping and hiding the presents takes stealth, thought and the energy to wait until nobody is around or awake- usually the wee small hours.

Making sure the house is clean for visitors (ex-in laws especially) was supposed to be a joint effort but everyone else is so busy that they don’t get round to their bit on the rota and rushing around trying to cover it all at the last minute while swearing quietly rather than out loud so as not to ruin obligatory Christmassy mood is added to an increasing list of ‘dos.’

Festive patience is tested to the limit by pasting on a smile when ex-hubby promises a trip to the pantomime on top of his incredibly flash, useless OTT presents which far outshine anything else the children will get for the entire year apart from when he repeats the exercise on their birthdays. 

Boyfriend goes drinking with his mates on Christmas eve; in fact there are many parties and socials in December which are impossible to get a sitter for, but he goes to most of them anyway.

But on Christmas morning there are the little sniggering whispers of children creeping in with lukewarm tea and black toast and marmalade. Little lumpy gifts tied with love are offered with hope-you-think-it’s-fantastic eyes.  

Then there are the silly jokes and giggles, stupid hats, funny dog presents, cheesy TV films of impossible families, walks, argumentative games, shared feasts, hugs and kisses which inhabit a Christmas that turns out to be perfect.

After reading this I realised I ought to start my list, though I wonder what it all says about me….

• Christmas card list. Check those I have not heard from since last Christmas are still living. Have a glass of wine while wondering how to do this. Realise that sending a card with ‘Happy Christmas; I hope you are not dead.’ might annoy someone, so decide just to send a card and hope to get one back.

It has taken ten minutes to put one task on the list. Feeling stressed and overwhelmed with it all. Have another glug of wine

• Decide on a hiding place for presents, where the children won’t want to go. Only school comes to mind. Decide it will have to be the wardrobe again. This time I resolve to keep it locked so that the expressions of surprise, on opening their presents, aren’t feigned as they were last year, and the year before that.

• Create list of people to get presents for. Put possible presents next to the names - the result of hints and intercepted letters to Santa. Realise that a trip to Disneyland, a Wii and a humungus flat screen television are beyond my means. Gulp wine as I realise that nothing I buy will compare favourably with these.

• Christmas groceries list. Feel overwhelmed at the thought of the mega shop amidst the crowds and the bill when I succumb to all the extra display goodies that weren’t on the list. Consider doing online shop to avoid it all. Decide against as I might miss some really good Christmas display goodies.

Wonder why creating a to-do list is not enough, and why so many other lists are needed.

• Plan a cleanng fest before visitors, especially the ex-in laws attend. Feel depressed on reading the amount that needs doing. Glug wine. Decide the children and boyfriend should help and write a rota. Anticipate the rows and arguments that will result from this. Glug more wine.

• Christmas cake? (Question mark is because I think it might be too late to make one - especially by the time I get to this on my list..) I may have to move it to the grocery list.
• Christmas pudding? (Likewise.)

• Diary dates. A note to to make sure I add dinner dates, parties and other social occasions to my December diary so as not to miss anything or double book. Glug wine as I realise that so far the only things apart from Christmas day itself is the ex in-laws visit.

Feel light headed. Think sod lists, giggle, throw list away.

Drink 3 coffees, Retrieve crumpled list. Continue.

I HATE getting Christmas cards from comanies.  I know I sound like Scrooge but I absolutely HATE it.  Way back when, it was first done an old fashioned company thought it would be a nice gesture to acknowledge the business from their customers.  This was because they knew all their customers by name and sight so it was a nice gesture.

Now it is a cheesy, insincere, ‘please keep giving us your business gesture’ by companies that would not recognise you  or know your name if you turned up stark naked wrapped in tinsels singing ‘Jingle Bells, every day until Christmas.

The cards are always glossy and expensive and I wish they would save the money and knock it off my bill.

Occasionally the signatures are printed photocopies or a printed ‘from all at…..’  Why would all at.’…….’ ever think that a card from them would make any difference to me.

Are there people out there who send a card back from ‘your grateful double glazing customer Mr Bloggs’ or ‘your newly divorced client, Mrs Bloggs?’

Christmas has enough insincerity and cheese without receiving cards from a company of strangers.

One boss has just asked her to stop everything and make tea for fourteen people, while the other has just asked her to complete the document urgently as he needs it finished within the hour.

She has just been dumped, by text message.

Her colleagues have just been chatting about how efficient and popular the other temp was.

She has just given up smoking or started a diet.

A slimeball is standing right next to her desk (yet again) just about to get closer and find an excuse to put his arm around her. She gets both feet!

The three little words ‘I love you’ change everything, and not always for the better. You can have a great day, a fantastic meal in a candlelit restaurant.

Then somebody says ‘I love you, and if one of you isn’t ready, it completely ruins everything.

Once those three fat words little drop like a boulder into the pool of perfectly happy relationship, they cause tidal wave.

You can be happy rubbing along together, he’s not great looking but then maybe you’re not either. He’s a bit boring but you’re a bit moody.

Sex is ok and you both do your share of lying about how great it was and developing a headache or in his case back ache.

Then one of you says ‘I love you’ and waits for the other to reciprocate.

It’s a lose, lose situation. If you say it back then you know that the pressure will be on to progress to cohabitation or marriage, but if you don’t, they wear that suck their face up their nostrils expression, are in a mood for days and may see no point in carrying on the relationship..blah..blah..weep!

All this misery, when you were perfectly happy before those three words appeared.

I’ve been laughing happily, after a snog and some cute expression on a guy’s face has made me tip the words out and they lie there and I know that he’s thinking oh shit! And I’m feeling ‘oh shit’ too and I say ‘joking’ or ‘not really,’ but I can tell he doesn’t believe me and I don’t really believe myself and the words just lie there grinning and ruining everything.

Strange those words can cause such havoc, when they are the best words in the world.

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Don’t spend all your time at work. If you remember jobs you’ve known and left, you’ll realise few colleagues turn out to be lasting friends.

Do participate in hobbies, interests or charities outside work, which you enjoy. Miserable do-gooders destroy the world, but if you enjoy it you’ll do it and make friends for life.

Don’t see everyone of the opposite sex as a potential partner. One whiff of neediness and we all start running.

Do make friends of both sexes. It gives you male/female input and stops you feeling needy.

Don’t feel envious of couples.

Do go to concerts, church, the theatre or the cinema alone if friends aren’t free; if you want to attend. You will enjoy yourself and you can still share the experience next time you all meet up.

Don’t be defensive or act as though you have to be the life and soul of the party to compensate for there being only one of you.

Do be yourself, warts and all. You may end up defensive or the life and soul of the party but you’ll be you, and that’s different!

Don’t get sucked in to relationship problems of any friend of the opposite sex. It’s rung one of ‘my wife or husband doesn’t understand me.’

Do encourage your married or partnered friends to enjoy and pursue their own interests – it will enhance their relationship in the long run even if their partner sees you as a ‘bad influence.’

Don’t let partnered friends patronize you and don’t feel sad or bad about those who never invite you to dinner or their parties unless you can rustle up a partner.

Do attend parties and dinners as a single without feeling you have to find an escort. You are a valid member of the human race in your own right whatever society dictates.

Don’t accept a date just because you are feeling lonely. You owe it to them as well as yourself to go for the right reasons.

Do go on dates and outings with people you like or fancy of all ages, because you can!

Don’t become a whinger or you will be lonely and serve you right.

Do see the funny side and laugh as much as you can. You’ll realise you don’t actually need another person to make you happy.

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Fat is good insulation in winter.

Magazine supermodels are airbushed and are all secretly enormous.

The taste of chocolate, carrot cake, or vinegary chips…

Saving the expense of buying new slimmer clothes.

Fatter people are more cheerful.

Cuddling is less bony.

Maintaining big boobs.

Friends are more friendly when you are not slimmer than them.

Sitting comfortably. There is nothing worse than a bony butt on a pew at a carol service.

According to all the stores, Christmas is practically here anyway.

I realised recently that it is the multipacks and BOGOF offers in supermarkets that makes shopping take ten times longer than originally planned, and it’s not because I want the offers.

When I want a single item that is only sold in multi packs or offered on a BOGOF basis it doesn’t matter too much if I end up with extra toilet rolls or cereal that will get used at some point. However when I fancy one packet of crisps, one piece of cake, a fresh baked cookie or a can of my favourite fizzy pop, I don’t want the rest sitting temptingly in the kitchen cupboards!

Either I have to do without, buy them and resist temptation until the family eats or drinks them or buy them when I am meeting a friend/friends so that I can share them out.

This means I don’t end up buying the treats I really like because I have to ensure that others will like them because if they don’t then I will end up eating or drinking them!

It must be murder to be living alone because you can’t even buy stuff you quite like, knowing that others will polish it off.

Some enterprising soul needs to start a single portion supermarket where you just get money off single items - in the old days it was called a bargain.

Take a long walk (away from any shops) and count everyone you pass that is fatter than you.

Do the same but count all women that aren’t as good looking as you.

Invite friends to dinner or a party and enjoy planning the guest list to include the man or even men, you fancy.

Go on a nature ramble and learn about trees, flowers birds so you can amaze people (especially the chap you fancy who is really into it) with your natural history knowledge, at the above dinner or party.

Read a children’s book and forget your problems as you regress.  Avoid Enid Blyton books as the children  are always eating huge teas which will make you hungry.

Dance to loud music- though this may lead to hunger!

Go to yoga, pilates or keep fit but avoid the pub afterwards

Make a range of herbal tea blends/herbal fizz drinks and non alcoholic cocktails.  However this can drive you to drinking something stronger!

Make home made beauty products with products from the larder – and use them without eating them

Buy a new magazine but don’t let the lifestyles of the rich and famous drive you to munching your way through a packet of biscuits. Maybe a fitness or health magazine would be best!

Start a blog or write poetry, but make sure it is cheerful or you’ll drive yourself  to drink.

Mooch around a bookshop or library but not the modern ones that sell coffee and cream cakes.

Visit an old church and feel spiritually superior to carnal bodily desires.

Re-define your life goals.  Just don’t let it make you so depressed about where you are now that you give up and eat chocolate. 

Have a candlelit lit bath…on second thoughts don’t.  A candlelit bath with wine is better.