The state of being without a handbag. This is not a word, but it should be because it is a definite state of being. Recently I left my bag at work and in order to get it would have had to had the caretaker come and re-open the building.

I decided that because I had my keys (car, house) I could manage without the bag for one night as I had not planned to go to the shops, would not need money (unless there was an emergency) and had some make up at home so I could look reasonably presentable the next morning.

However the empy disorientated feeling made me realise that the need for a handbag is not just the stuff it contains but the security of having a kit that makes sure we are prepared for almost anything. That’s why women’s handbags contain so much . Feeling as though we might be in any situation without the right equipment is scary, and that’s what a handbag is all about. Providing adequate tools for any situation life throws up.

Offer a prize if your children can go a week without asking you to buy them something.

Pretend that the stress of shopping makes you deaf.

Agree that they can only ask for the same thing three times. If they ask a fourth it means you will never ever get it for them. This has the effect of making sure each time is a really good, reasoned argument for the item in question and not just a whine.

Pester them back! ‘Oh pleeeeease pleeeeeeease buy me some chocolate with your pocket money! ‘

Start singing loudly or dancing every time they ask for something in public, the embarrassment shuts them up immediately.

Start a sticker chart and add one every time they pester you. Every time they reach five, they have to pay a penalty, for instance losing pocket money or doing chores.

If they are over 9 run away from them, down the supermarket aisles. When they find you again explain that this is what will happen every time they ask for something.

Have a pester list. Every time they want something they write it down on the list. Provided they have not whinged and whined for it (in which case it gets removed) the list is used by family and friends to choose Christmas and birthday presents.

Leave newspapers and magazines with articles on Valentines day including the date and advertisements for Valentines gifts lying in places where your partner will see them.

Discuss Valentines day loudly with friends at work and make bets as to who will get the least, or most; every time anyone is around

Make a pact with a friend to send each other one just so you don’t face the cardless void of a doormat on the 14th.

Send your single friends one and add one for yourself.

Send a seductive poster of yourself (with your address on the bottom) to oil rigs or mens’ prisons.

Run a competition. The best Valentine card sent to this (your) address will win…. (one of your unwanted Christmas presents.)

Dress up in your most seductive outfit, do your hair and make up as though you were on the cat walk, and accidentally drop your business card everywhere you visit.

Start a chain Valentine threatening dire consequences for those that break the chain - make sure you work it so that you end up with 100’s.

Serve tea or volunteer behind the bar at places where elderly men hang out such as bowls clubs, working mens clubs or residential homes. Let them know you’re single, and find them very attractive and mention your address. (for example, “yes we don’t get such good looking men in Priory Street. Ive lived at number fourteen for ten years and never seen anyone that’s a patch on you.”) Emphasise the street name and number!

Flirt with nerds.

Know that the one you get made of coloured tissue and paper doily will be your all time favourite, because it is ‘to Mum, Happy Valentines Day, lots of love…”

January is the Monday of the year and always feels gloomy. Harsh cold grey skies tinge everything with dullness while the festive over-indulgence shows in a lumpy sluggish body and a mind full of gloom.

Payday seems a long way away from bill and credit card demands which appear as if by magic the moment the 2nd of January arrives.

I’m trying to think of something positive and cheerful to write - Happy New Year by the way! Maybe we all wish each other this in desperation as much as anything else.

Anyway here are my tips for surviving January.

To shorten the month, go to bed as early as possible and get up late whenever you can or become a workaholic so time flies quickly.

To cope with bills, put them in a large A4 envelope addressed to yourself. Shove in a drawer and forget until 30th January. Post it. At least when it arrives this time around your salary will have reached your account.

To deal with miserable grey days, get some rose tinted sunglasses and wear them all the time or draw all the curtains and stay in until February.

To feel better about the extra weight you gained at Christmas, avoid mirrors and wear clothes that are too big for you.

Wishing you all a speedy February.

The basketball posts in the school playground have foam jackets around them so that children won’t bang into them and hurt themselves.  Football boots may be banned because of the spikes. Conkers can only be played with a helmet and safety visor. Signs such as ‘Mind the Step’ or ‘Watch your Head’ surround us and safety tape lines every possibly dangerous edge. Dangers and risks are being discovered every day, and appropriate safety measures put in place. Those pending implementation are as follows:-

Black and yellow safety tape along the kerb of all paths, (so you don’t trip or invadvertently fall into the road.)

Wet Ground signs placed next to puddles.

Foam jackets on tree trunks.

Holly, rose bushes and other pointy plants to be stamped with warning triangles and nettles to be made illegal.

‘Danger, the ground will feel hard if you fall’ signs at intervals along pavements, in stores, and in the countryside.

A fire extinguisher must be located next to the displays of matches, in all stores.

Fluorescent jackets to be worn by everyone outdoors after 4.30pm in winter.

Hard hats to be worn when walking in the woods (in case of falling pine cones, horse chestnuts or twigs.)

Warning signs that if you push a door with a ‘pull’ sign, or pull a door with a ‘push’, sign; you may jar your shoulder.

‘Warning there is a danger sign ahead’ signs a few metres before danger signs (so people are spared the sudden stress that fear of danger causes) In fact all signs warning that there is something ahead will have a sign a few yards beforehand warning of the fact that there is a sign ahead, and of course another one to warn of that one…..

This is all because it will soon be illegal to die.

It’s nice to be told that you are pretty and smart but the trick is to tell it to yourself every day. Then you have to believe it, and that is sometimes a bit harder!  Once achieved though, you will feel as though you can do ANYTHING and secure in your own skin, won’t care too much what other people think! Though of course you’ll still be delighted if they think good things.

Car wheel hubs.
Pretending to pick something up while checking that there is no lipstick on your teeth

Mobile phone screens
Making sure you look your best without making it obvious.

Oven or microwave door
In the middle of a dinner party, between courses when there is no time to rush to the bedroom or the loo and your handbag is in the room with the guests.

PC screens when the screen is turned off.
A quick unobtrusive check when you see the office hunk appear at the door.

Knife edge, in a restaurant.
While on a hot date, to ensure there is no cabbage in your teeth

Sunglasses -(someone elses)
But you may be so busy looking at your reflection you get too close, and make someone think you fancy them.

Glitterball
You get a rough idea of your shape as lots of teeny yous’ pirouette to the music.

Tin pie dishes
As you unpack the takeaway.

Brass door panels
A likely story to excuse listening at the door!

Rivers or ponds.
But stare too long and somebody will start to talk you out of jumping.

Puddles
When out walking the dog without your handbag, and somebody gives you a funny look.

Compact Discs
Have a quick look while listening to music with a partner, or sneak a peek after a snog

I love the undo button on the computer. It’s so easy to hit it and not only eradicate whatever mistakes have just been made but also to restore everything to exactly as it was before. It’s a shame that there isn’t a life undo button.

You have a one night stand…undo!
You get drunk…undo!
You lose your handbag…undo!
You scrape aother car…undo!
You get all your hair cut and hate it…undo!
The dog eats the sausages you put out for dinner…undo!
Your mother in law invites herself for Christmas…undo, and think of a far better excuse this time.

After a major row with your boyfriend you hit ‘undo’ and return to when he first arrives. This time you don’t mention that the way he drones on about football bores you to death.

Your teenager stays out way beyond their deadline after begging you to let them go to their friend’s party. Hit ‘undo.’ This time you won’t give in and let them go.

You fail your driving test. Hit ‘undo’ over and over again until you pass.

You go shopping while feeling depressed and overspend massively. Hit ‘undo’ but only if you don’t want to keep anything that you have bought home!

You blow your diet and eat a huge chunk of chocolate cake. Hitting ‘undo’ takes you back to before you ate it…but you are so hungry and it looks so yummy that you eat it all over again!

image : http://www.inmagine.com/pdre038/pdre038251-photo

Looming out at us everywhere is sinister shiny stuff, mounds of manicured foodstuffs and piles of puffed packaged presents. The only way to avoid Christmas before December is to do all the following:

Don’t watch television

Don’t open junk mail

Don’t answer your door

Don’t visit anybody

Don’t go shopping

Don’t go out of your front door

Don’t use the internet

Turn your radio off

Avoid street surveys and sellers

Wear an ‘I hate Christmas’ T-Shirt

Wear disgusting perfume so nobody comes close

Wear blinkers

Go into hospital

Take a holiday to an Eastern Country

Go to a health farm

Become an inmate of the ‘Big Brother’ house

Commit a crime, so you get sent to prison

Join a tree saving protest and live up one for a few weeks

Become a Jehovah’s Witness and carry the ‘Watchtower’ magazine around with you

Hang an effigy of Santa hanging from a noose in your car and outside your front door

Never underestimate the true value of everyday items.

Lipsticks to write with when there is no pen.

Mobile phones with inbuilt cameras when a mirror is not handy.

A long scarf, as an emergency dog lead.

A garlic press or nut cracker for difficult bottle lids and to help unscrew hooks or screws.

A suitable drill bit or long screw (used with the above) as an emergency corkscrew.

Empty beer bottle as a portable TV aerial holder.

Electric shaver to smooth away the bobbly bits on woollys.