January is the Monday of the year and always feels gloomy. Harsh cold grey skies tinge everything with dullness while the festive over-indulgence shows in a lumpy sluggish body and a mind full of gloom.

Payday seems a long way away from bill and credit card demands which appear as if by magic the moment the 2nd of January arrives.

I’m trying to think of something positive and cheerful to write - Happy New Year by the way! Maybe we all wish each other this in desperation as much as anything else.

Anyway here are my tips for surviving January.

To shorten the month, go to bed as early as possible and get up late whenever you can or become a workaholic so time flies quickly.

To cope with bills, put them in a large A4 envelope addressed to yourself. Shove in a drawer and forget until 30th January. Post it. At least when it arrives this time around your salary will have reached your account.

To deal with miserable grey days, get some rose tinted sunglasses and wear them all the time or draw all the curtains and stay in until February.

To feel better about the extra weight you gained at Christmas, avoid mirrors and wear clothes that are too big for you.

Wishing you all a speedy February.

I love glitter too. In fact one year (on an old car) I put glue on the bonnet the boot and the roof and then sprinkled silver glitter on it. Admittedly I had had a drink or two and was inspired by the beauty of a frosty night!!

Going out for one night and finding that the gorgeous hunk you snogged is actually a black toothed sniggering lout who calls you love and burps a lot is bad enough but having a rose tinted view of a partner in a longer term relationship is far worse.

You forever see them as you believe they are and want them to be. You find umpteen excuses for the way they let you down, time and time again. You find that the miserable times far outweigh the happy times but persist in the hope that they need you, you can help them and it will get better.

You spend most of the time discussing their needs, their problems, their issues, but would they spend so much time and effort on you? Try discuss your own issues, problems and needs and see how quickly they divert the conversation back to theirs.

You have lost so much self esteem in the process of gradual disillusionment that you don’t have the energy to see that no relationship is worth so much work for so little reward.

The weird thing is that so many people would rather superimpose the ideal person in their head onto the selfish egotistical pig they are with, than be alone.

I saw this list here:

You have the right to be you.
You have the right to put yourself first.
You have the right to be safe.
You have the right to love and be loved.
You have the right to be treated with respect.
You have the right to be human - NOT PERFECT.
You have the right to be angry and protest if you are treated unfairly or abusively by anyone.
You have the right to your own privacy.
You have the right to your own opinions, to express them, and to be taken seriously.
You have the right to earn and control your own money.
You have the right to ask questions about anything that affects your life.
You have the right to make decisions that affect you.
You have the right to grow and change (and that includes changing your mind).
You have the right to say NO.
You have the right to make mistakes.
You have the right NOT to be responsible for other adults’ problems.
You have the right not to be liked by everyone.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO CONTROL YOUR OWN LIFE AND TO CHANGE IT IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH IT AS IT IS.

It’s the best Christmas list, and the saddest.

Hello Everybody,

Christmas is coming around yet again (as it does) and we knew you’d love to hear all about our year. (Even if you wouldn’t it’s tough, because we are sending this to acquaintances, ex-work colleagues, long lost relations, anyone who has ever known us for longer than a day)

Ben has done very well at school (he turned up every day.) He has been concentrating on his music (playing it loudly too late and too often) and we have great hopes that he will do something with it. (turn it down!)

Chloe won a prize for literature (well, for the best limerick in her class.) She has taken up acting and is extremely good. (Especially when pretending she’s ill every time she wants to skip school or get out of helping around the house.)

Timmy has achieved his five lengths at swimming and is very proud of this. (Throwing it into the conversation daily.) As ever, he is devoted to our wonderful (fat) Labrador Fubby and is very responsible in the way he cares for her. (Apart from letting her eat anything she fancies even if it was intended for the family meal.)

We have done home improvements (rearranged the furniture) so things are looking great in time for Christmas. The garden is lovely and a real haven of peace and tranquillity. (Somewhere to get away from the kids even although it’s a jungle.)

The office temp work i am still doing, ensures I am around for the kids after school and in the holidays. (Hugely annoying for Ben.) I am hoping to do an access course and start a degree before long. (Copied and pasted from last five annual round robins.)

Gary and I are still together (just) but don’t think it will be fair on the kids (he doesn’t want to commit) to live together. (Copied and pasted from last three round robins.)

Still we are all very happy (in an argumentative way,) and are looking forward to a lovely family Christmas. (Well at least one that does not involve Fubby or Timmy being sick, the ex-in-laws visiting more than once or one of the presents breaking on Christmas day.)

Wishing you all a very happy Christmas (and hoping your ’round robin’ can’t trump this!)

Debbie, Ben, Chloe, Sam and Fubby.

I’ve just listened to an audio book the Ex-Wife’s Survival Guide by Debby Holt. It was very funny in parts but the heroine ended up with another man, which is a total cop out, given the title of the book.

I am not opposed to a happy endings or romance, but the story was about a woman who had a traditional housewife type role, having to reassess her life when her rat of a partner found someone else. She started to gain independence and develop confidence as an individual, so why was the ending woman finds man, and not woman learns that independence and freedom make her so happy that any future relationship is a bonus?

There was I thinking ‘yea this woman is becoming strong and independent’ then not only does she almost melt into coupledom as the result of a holiday romance but succumbs to a kiss that should have been in a Mills and Boon book. I am seething!

It’s similar to soaps or dramas with great storylines headed by a nasty character who suddenly gets killed or conveniently disappears so that two weeks down the track they are barely ever spoken of despite all the havoc they caused. It always irritates me to death because I want to see the victim bringing them to book and dealing with the fallout rather thank knowing that they have died and escaped justice. In my opinion this is sloppy writing; as bad as ‘they woke up and it was all a dream.’

The basketball posts in the school playground have foam jackets around them so that children won’t bang into them and hurt themselves.  Football boots may be banned because of the spikes. Conkers can only be played with a helmet and safety visor. Signs such as ‘Mind the Step’ or ‘Watch your Head’ surround us and safety tape lines every possibly dangerous edge. Dangers and risks are being discovered every day, and appropriate safety measures put in place. Those pending implementation are as follows:-

Black and yellow safety tape along the kerb of all paths, (so you don’t trip or invadvertently fall into the road.)

Wet Ground signs placed next to puddles.

Foam jackets on tree trunks.

Holly, rose bushes and other pointy plants to be stamped with warning triangles and nettles to be made illegal.

‘Danger, the ground will feel hard if you fall’ signs at intervals along pavements, in stores, and in the countryside.

A fire extinguisher must be located next to the displays of matches, in all stores.

Fluorescent jackets to be worn by everyone outdoors after 4.30pm in winter.

Hard hats to be worn when walking in the woods (in case of falling pine cones, horse chestnuts or twigs.)

Warning signs that if you push a door with a ‘pull’ sign, or pull a door with a ‘push’, sign; you may jar your shoulder.

‘Warning there is a danger sign ahead’ signs a few metres before danger signs (so people are spared the sudden stress that fear of danger causes) In fact all signs warning that there is something ahead will have a sign a few yards beforehand warning of the fact that there is a sign ahead, and of course another one to warn of that one…..

This is all because it will soon be illegal to die.

TV adverts are cheesy, sexist and patronizing. Although I hate the political correctness gone barmy brigade, I cannot believe that companies still broadcast so many women in kitchen roles.After years of ‘so called’ equality we are still suffering stereotypical Mums chattering inanely about childrens’ lunchbox treats, serving up sweet corn to little boys or waxing lyrical over washing powders. Men who do domestic tasks in adverts do it in an arch helpful way as though they are doing a favour ‘for’ their partner,because it is hers and not their responsibility. Today a major superstore put out an advert for toys which included a dance mat and a remote control truck. They actually specified that the dance mat would be an ‘ideal present for girls’ while showing a girl dressed up in party clothes, using the mat, and ‘the truck for boys’ as a boy rolled it along. Not only was I put off both products but also the entire store. The ads certainly did not impress my kids either. Having said that, most adverts featuring kids don’t impress kids. They always cast shiny bouncy, cheerful kids who act about three years younger than their actual age. I’ve never met a real child that looks or acts like one in an advertisement. Then there are the ‘lets patronize the older generation’ ads, especially the hair colouring one where an older woman’s asks if it would do her ‘little bit of grey,’ and her smiley brunette daughter simpers , ‘Yes Mum’.Double glazing, cars, carpets, sofas and settees always feature ‘amazing offers’ ‘never to be repeated deals’ and ask you to ‘visit their store ‘now!’ The actors talks in loud, hyperactive, urgent voices which would be brilliant on an alarm clock for a heavy sleeper. On ads they just make you feel tense and irritable as though there was a buzzing bluebottle or mosquito in the room. The worrying thing is that there are people all over the country who are responding to these ads, or they would not be using them. Who are you? Please seek help.

‘I don’t want to say anything but I think you ought to know….’

Always say ‘well don’t then;’ loudly, at that point.  Trust me you will never want to know. 

It is almost always the beginning of somebody trying to land somebody else in it, because if they don’t want to say something then why the heck are they?

At work if you are the line manager it will be one colleague trying to grass on another.

With friendships it will either be a friend telling you that another friend has been gossiping about you or worse, that your partner has been playing away.

With colleagues or friends at school it will be something your child has done.

With neighbours it will be gossip about another neighbour. 

You can be sure it will never be positive because nobody ever starts positive news with that particular sentence. 

‘I don’t want to say anything but Jenny has just passed her driving test.’

‘I don’t want to say anything but Mickey is going to give his family a dream holiday’ 

Adults have not progressed from childhood, they are just less honest about it.  At least kids come straight out and ‘tell!’  ‘Mum Bobby’s been hitting me, ‘ or ‘Miss, Ginnie’s copying Alex,’ and you can bet that if they don’t want to ‘tell’ they won’t!

I love the undo button on the computer. It’s so easy to hit it and not only eradicate whatever mistakes have just been made but also to restore everything to exactly as it was before. It’s a shame that there isn’t a life undo button.

You have a one night stand…undo!
You get drunk…undo!
You lose your handbag…undo!
You scrape aother car…undo!
You get all your hair cut and hate it…undo!
The dog eats the sausages you put out for dinner…undo!
Your mother in law invites herself for Christmas…undo, and think of a far better excuse this time.

After a major row with your boyfriend you hit ‘undo’ and return to when he first arrives. This time you don’t mention that the way he drones on about football bores you to death.

Your teenager stays out way beyond their deadline after begging you to let them go to their friend’s party. Hit ‘undo.’ This time you won’t give in and let them go.

You fail your driving test. Hit ‘undo’ over and over again until you pass.

You go shopping while feeling depressed and overspend massively. Hit ‘undo’ but only if you don’t want to keep anything that you have bought home!

You blow your diet and eat a huge chunk of chocolate cake. Hitting ‘undo’ takes you back to before you ate it…but you are so hungry and it looks so yummy that you eat it all over again!