Women Attend work unless work policy states otherwise, when she catches up on chores instead.
Men Take a week off work.

Women Go to bed earlier than usual
Men Spend three days in bed.

Women Drink lots of fluids – honey and lemon or herbal teas are good.
Men Drink lots of fluids – beer is good.

Women Turn the TV off because it gives them a headache.
Men Don’t open their eyes for anything, apart from watching TV.

Women Cook the family easy to swallow meals so she can eat them too, and keep going.
Men Don’t swallow anything unless somebody makes them their favourite meal.

Women Try to save their voice by ignoring bad behaviour, mess and phone calls
Men Only speak in a whisper, unless of course their football team scores.

Women Use cough mixture for a tickly throat, and carry on.
Men Suffer a coughing fit, when asked to do anything.

Women Use throat lozenges to help them converse when unexpected visitors drop by.
Men Suffer a coughing fit before bravely telling visitors that they are fine, so they get gifts.

Women Ask someone else to stop by the shop, but don’t hold their breath that they’ll remember.
Men Suffer a coughing fit just before they ask their partner/mother/nurse for something, just to make sure they are top priority.

Women Go out to celebrate, when they feel well again.
Men Convalesce for three weeks afterwards by taking it really easy at work and at home.

See, ‘Sorry Ladies I’ve got Man Flu’ for a queasy video.

http://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/b/big_bottom.asp

We can sit on a hard chair in comfort.

Large bottomed mothers attend more school plays and functions leading to greater self esteem in their children.

Committees where the majority consists of large bottomed females get more done because they extend the meeting time by approximately one hour.

Big bottomed women attend church regularly. (Although churches are now starting to provide pew cushions to encourage smaller bottomed individuals to attend.)

Alien invaders communicate with that part of our body first – and are pleased with the intelligent response.

We can still look slim and gorgeous…from the front.

We have no need of an extra float when learning to swim.

Pickpockets, who steal up from behind, can’t get close enough to get their hands in our bag or pocket.

Men want to be the one behind, when forming a train at parties.

Nobody expects us to ride a bicycle.

Nobody seriously expects us to wear a thong (without it being mislaid for days.)

It breaks our fall if we drink too much at parties (when young) or tumble downstairs (when older) Learning to fall properly on a big bum can be a life-saver for ladies over sixty with brittle bones.

‘Does my bum look big in this?’ Is the perfect lie detector. If he lies about that can we ever trust him again?

Behind every great woman is a big bum. (But when he leaves she can at least sit down in comfort!)

‘Morning ladies, “Geoff, the manager of the sports centre says as he passes me, my friend Ellie and Chloe on our way out of the changing rooms.

‘Patronizing twerp,’ I mutter.

‘Mum! He was only being polite.’ Chloe remonstrates while Ellie flicks me a conspiratorial look of agreement over the top of her head.

When a man says ‘Ladies’ he may fondly imagine he is being polite but the very word inserts us into (mostly male) thought bubbles with needlework, hot dinners, fluffy kittens and pink things.

‘What’s wrong with it? Toilets always say Ladies, or Gentleman,’ Chloe says.

‘Well firstly I don’t like being called something on a public convenience door and secondly I don’t pass men and say ‘morning gentlemen.’ If I did you’d know I was being sarky or patronizing, ’ I explain. I can see she hasn’t thought of it this way round.

‘Well you could say morning men…no that would sound like you were an army captain’ Chloe giggles.

‘Morning chaps?’ Ellie tries.

‘Morning boys. Morning lads. Morning males.’ We explode with laughter at that one before deciding ‘morning guys’ is probably the best, though still quite cheesy.

We agree that men who say hello to ‘girls’ or ‘lassies’ are equally cheesy especially when they refer to middle aged or elderly women as girls in the belief it flatters them. But ‘hello females’, or ‘hello women?’ No!

We decide that ‘Lady’ doesn’t apply to anyone with a face like a bulldog, anyone wearing tattoos or lip studs, or anyone with a handbag that could knock someone senseless. A lady rides a horse, or a bicycle with a large basket through a pretty village. WI women are usually ladies, with or without their clothes.

‘Gentlemen’ are men over sixty who doff their hats and open doors. Unfortunately they do have a habit of greeting groups of women by saying ‘morning/afternoon/evening ladies!’

Ben has just told a rude joke and Chloe and Timmy are giggling. They are all finding it funnier because they are not sure if (a) I heard it, (b) I got it, and (c) if I did get it whether I might be just about to tell Ben off.

It was quite funny and quite rude so I don’t know whether to (a) pretend I didn’t hear it, (b) pretend I didn’t get it, (C) tell Ben off, or (D) try and remember it to tell friends when we next go out. I pretend I didn’t hear it, because option D would make me into a hypocrite if I told him off. However I know I won’t use option D, as I can never remember jokes. Occasionally I have got the punch line so wrong it’s made people laugh far more than the original joke would have.

Female friends I know aren’t great at telling jokes but Gary, along with my brothers and most male friends can reel them off, never forgetting a punch line.

There is definitely a difference between the male and female memory.

Gary remembers car manufacturers, football scores, obscure DIY tools he needs and things his Mum cooked when he was eight. He forgets the number of beers he’s drunk, where he’s put anything he’s ever had, what I wanted for Christmas and (when his mobile battery is dead) my phone number.

I remember things like feeding the dog, feeding the children even, gossip, first loves, birthdays and how to get chewing gum out of hair, but forget what I went to get, when I arrive in Timmy’s bedroom, the main item I went I into the supermarket for and the fact that when my ex mother-in-law visits, she always looks in my fridge and finds dishes of bacteria and prehistoric cheese.

It would be interesting to swap my memory for his just for one day, then I’d (A) find out if there was really such a thing as a double worm screw, (B) if his Mum was really such a great cook, and (C) what he thinks I want for Christmas!