Car wheel hubs.
Pretending to pick something up while checking that there is no lipstick on your teeth

Mobile phone screens
Making sure you look your best without making it obvious.

Oven or microwave door
In the middle of a dinner party, between courses when there is no time to rush to the bedroom or the loo and your handbag is in the room with the guests.

PC screens when the screen is turned off.
A quick unobtrusive check when you see the office hunk appear at the door.

Knife edge, in a restaurant.
While on a hot date, to ensure there is no cabbage in your teeth

Sunglasses -(someone elses)
But you may be so busy looking at your reflection you get too close, and make someone think you fancy them.

Glitterball
You get a rough idea of your shape as lots of teeny yous’ pirouette to the music.

Tin pie dishes
As you unpack the takeaway.

Brass door panels
A likely story to excuse listening at the door!

Rivers or ponds.
But stare too long and somebody will start to talk you out of jumping.

Puddles
When out walking the dog without your handbag, and somebody gives you a funny look.

Compact Discs
Have a quick look while listening to music with a partner, or sneak a peek after a snog

Take a long walk (away from any shops) and count everyone you pass that is fatter than you.

Do the same but count all women that aren’t as good looking as you.

Invite friends to dinner or a party and enjoy planning the guest list to include the man or even men, you fancy.

Go on a nature ramble and learn about trees, flowers birds so you can amaze people (especially the chap you fancy who is really into it) with your natural history knowledge, at the above dinner or party.

Read a children’s book and forget your problems as you regress.  Avoid Enid Blyton books as the children  are always eating huge teas which will make you hungry.

Dance to loud music- though this may lead to hunger!

Go to yoga, pilates or keep fit but avoid the pub afterwards

Make a range of herbal tea blends/herbal fizz drinks and non alcoholic cocktails.  However this can drive you to drinking something stronger!

Make home made beauty products with products from the larder – and use them without eating them

Buy a new magazine but don’t let the lifestyles of the rich and famous drive you to munching your way through a packet of biscuits. Maybe a fitness or health magazine would be best!

Start a blog or write poetry, but make sure it is cheerful or you’ll drive yourself  to drink.

Mooch around a bookshop or library but not the modern ones that sell coffee and cream cakes.

Visit an old church and feel spiritually superior to carnal bodily desires.

Re-define your life goals.  Just don’t let it make you so depressed about where you are now that you give up and eat chocolate. 

Have a candlelit lit bath…on second thoughts don’t.  A candlelit bath with wine is better.

I love the undo button on the computer. It’s so easy to hit it and not only eradicate whatever mistakes have just been made but also to restore everything to exactly as it was before. It’s a shame that there isn’t a life undo button.

You have a one night stand…undo!
You get drunk…undo!
You lose your handbag…undo!
You scrape aother car…undo!
You get all your hair cut and hate it…undo!
The dog eats the sausages you put out for dinner…undo!
Your mother in law invites herself for Christmas…undo, and think of a far better excuse this time.

After a major row with your boyfriend you hit ‘undo’ and return to when he first arrives. This time you don’t mention that the way he drones on about football bores you to death.

Your teenager stays out way beyond their deadline after begging you to let them go to their friend’s party. Hit ‘undo.’ This time you won’t give in and let them go.

You fail your driving test. Hit ‘undo’ over and over again until you pass.

You go shopping while feeling depressed and overspend massively. Hit ‘undo’ but only if you don’t want to keep anything that you have bought home!

You blow your diet and eat a huge chunk of chocolate cake. Hitting ‘undo’ takes you back to before you ate it…but you are so hungry and it looks so yummy that you eat it all over again!

It’s not hard to tell when your children have had a rough day at school but it’s like treading on egg shells when you try to find out what the problem is and how help.

Me ‘Good Day?
Chloe ‘Okay,’ (sits down, face like thunder.)
Me ‘You don’t look as though it was okay.’
Chloe ‘Sigh.’
Me ‘I can’t help if you won’t tell me what the problem is. Do you fancy a cup of tea and some cake?’
Chloe ‘Okay. (Pause.) ‘That Jenny is such a show off.’
Me ‘Why what’s she done?’
Chloe ‘Toby has asked her out. She’s been going on about it all day. I told her to get lost in the end.’
Me ‘She’s a bit young to be going on a date. Will her parents let her?’
Chloe ‘Duh! They’re not going on a date. They’re just going out together.’
Me ( Realising its a kid thing and not daring to ask where.) ‘Oh. Well I expect you’ll make it up tomorrow.’
Chloe ‘Uh, I don’t think so.’
Me (Supportive, understanding motherly but cool expression) ‘This Toby, he’s not a boy you like is he?’
Chloe (Outraged) ‘Uuuuurgh no, he’s ugly!’
Me ‘Well that’s something.’
Chloe ‘No it’s not, she thinks she’s it because she’s the first to have a boyfriend and she is just going to go on and on about it for ages. And nobody will probably ever ask me out so I’ll be the last in my class and everyone will think I’m a minger.
Me ‘Chloe of course you’re not you are beautiful and….’
Chloe ‘Huh you would say that.’

The phone rings and I answer. It’s Jenny for Chloe. I cover the mouthpiece.

Me ‘It’s Jenny. I’ll tell her you’re busy, shall I?’
Chloe (Scowl of bewilderment) No! She’s my friend. (Takes phone.) Hi Jenny. That’s so cool. (Giggles and continues to chat happily)
Me (Hover of bewilderment exits to the kitchen)

Visiting a friend, I noticed a book entitled ‘How to Clean Just About Anything.’ “How depressed were you when you bought that?” I asked. Then I started thinking of titles for other utterly depressing reads.

Washing Lines through the Ages.

100 Best Bark Rubbings.

Care for Your Rat.

Step by Step Coal Mining.

A-Z of Knitting.

100 Uses for a Loofah.

Recipes for your Cat.

So You Want to be a Traffic Warden?

Make Friends with your Undertaker.

Amazing Ideas for Margarine Tubs.

Name your Hamster.

Do It Yourself Divorce.

Piles, the Inside Story.

Make the Most of your Teeth.

50 Ways to Clear That Blockage.

Face Your Fat.

The Illustrated Guide to Infectious Diseases

Tips for Toenails

The History of Teabags

A Doily for Every Occasion.

There is a huge chasm between what adults think a child understands and what they really do understand of the adult world.

When Timmy was younger he was asked a question in class, and answered ‘bloody shit.’ He was sent to the head teacher but on further investigation was not punished. This was because he had heard his teacher telling an older boy that ‘swearing showed that you could not think of anything better to say.’ Timmy had just been trying to let her know that he could not think of the answer to her question.

He has just been learning about the Diwali festival but his mind is still full of fireworks so he said;
‘We learned about Diwali. It’s a celebration of candles and how good it is that they can’t blow up the houses of parliament like gunpowder.’

Once he said that the chart God kept must be enormous to be able to plot the whereabouts and behaviour of all the people in the world. When I asked what chart he meant, he said ‘Our Father with chart in Heaven!’

Occasionally the confusion turns out to be quite apt, such as his announcement that Poppy Day helps us to commiserate those who died.

Smiley Happy Dancing Kids.

Chloe decided she was a vegetarian two weeks ago. I scoured the supermarket for vegetarian produce and stocked up the freezer.

She was quite cheerful when I served her vege-sausages, instead of ordinary bangers with mash and fairly happy when served a Linda McArtney vege-pie instead of a meat pie; but when presented with vege-bacon when the boys had sizzling rashers on their plates she was not happy.

“You did this on purpose! You wanted me to stop being a vegetarian and now you’ve done it. Well done. You hate it when I do anything different don’t you?” she said in her most aggrieved voice.

“Whats the matter? I’ve given you vegetarian bacon.” I reply, equally aggrieved.

“It’s disgusting, that’s what. You deliberately bought it to make me want real bacon!”

“No I didn’t”

“Yes you did,” by this time she is peering into the frying pan to see if there is any more real bacon left.

“Great, you’ve given it all to the boys. Typical, you always favour them.”

“But you said you were vegetarian so I ….”

“Fine, I’ll just eat plastic crap while they eat proper food then.”

Exasperated I get the rest of the bacon out of the fridge. “Here I’ll cook you some.”

She looks at it in disgust. “You never wanted me to be vegetarian did you? Now you are making me go against my principles and eat pig just to make you feel better!”

I cook the rashers and slide three onto her plate. “yes,” I agree, and watch as she gobbles them up.

image : http://www.inmagine.com/pdre038/pdre038251-photo

Looming out at us everywhere is sinister shiny stuff, mounds of manicured foodstuffs and piles of puffed packaged presents. The only way to avoid Christmas before December is to do all the following:

Don’t watch television

Don’t open junk mail

Don’t answer your door

Don’t visit anybody

Don’t go shopping

Don’t go out of your front door

Don’t use the internet

Turn your radio off

Avoid street surveys and sellers

Wear an ‘I hate Christmas’ T-Shirt

Wear disgusting perfume so nobody comes close

Wear blinkers

Go into hospital

Take a holiday to an Eastern Country

Go to a health farm

Become an inmate of the ‘Big Brother’ house

Commit a crime, so you get sent to prison

Join a tree saving protest and live up one for a few weeks

Become a Jehovah’s Witness and carry the ‘Watchtower’ magazine around with you

Hang an effigy of Santa hanging from a noose in your car and outside your front door

I had an interview for a term time only job that would have fitted me perfectly. Unfortunately I arrived an hour late.

How this happened I do not know. I had a huge fat hour in the palm of my hand which was plenty of time. But when I set off suddenly it had all disappeared.

It’s exactly the same with keys. There they are solid and bunchy in my hand and then a few seconds later, where are they? They have evaporated into thin air. Hunting around all the possible places where I might have put them proves completely useless, until suddenly they materialize in a place which I am certain I looked at a few seconds earlier.

At least with keys, however frustrating the search is, I can be pretty sure that they will (hopefully) turn up somewhere.

Not so with the missing time, it misplaces itself and never returns, usually when I need it the most. Yet when I’m in a queue or doing something equally boring, those five minutes last much longer. I have a suspicion that boring moments are time vampires that have sucked the odd hour from other important places in my life. I don’t think anyone will believe me when I use it as an excuse for my lateness though!