Why is it that most women in life have done this at some point or other? There always seems to be a brilliant reason at the time but later when you think about it, why would it every be necessary? The last time I did this it was because I had a house full of friends and we had just been shopping. I was trying on a top that needed a strapless bra. The company was mixed so I wriggled and wiggled the bra out through the sleeve. Why I didn’t disappear and use the bathroom or bedroom i don’t know! Wine, chat, not wanting to go away from the group….who knows. It’s wierd but every woman has done this at least once and also taken knickers off by only removing one jean leg and slipping them down and through this…now that is even stranger…why would we do that?? But most of us have!

Today my stomach feels like a cream puff, my boobs are bulging like water balloons and I have a treble chin! During the night my body has spread like dough. I eat chocolate, cakes, nuts, chips and bananas for breakfast, but I am still hungry. I feel tired and dreary as I trudge around getting the kids to school and trying to avoid the irritating idiots who people the world. I regret a stop at the supermarket immediately, when the elderly clutter the aisles. Meeting my friend Karen to go clothes shopping, annoys me further because the sales staff are positively evil, leaping out from behind displays to offer me jeans and little jumpers while smirking at my fatness. Karen tries to get me to buy jeans that make my bottom look like a giant beanbag; some friend!I get home and boyfriend Gary leers at me and pretends to fancy the gross lump that I’ve become. When I yell at him for being such a dishonest creep he says I’m being unreasonable!

Later, Mum Cathy babysits and we go out. I have a large glass of Shiraz, a starter, main course, pudding, another glass of Shiraz, and chocolate on the way home. The waiter is slow, the table not the one I wanted and nerd Gary chats about the stupidest things; vacuum cleaners, dentists and money! I want to shout, what about life, the universe, eternity? But I just munch my apple pie and custard and feel the weight sludge down and add itself to my heaviness. Nerd brings me tea in the morning. It’s strong and sweet and he looks the same. The sun is shining and I feel a surge of love and beam at him while I sip my tea. Later I walk through streets of paving stones and people, to meet him for lunch. The elderly have speeded up, my clothes fit and my bottom feels small and cheerful. Life is just wonderful.